Written in January 1998 on the occasion of a so-called Celebration of Diversity, a Sunday afternoon program on Charlottesville's historic downtown mall featuring such diverse religious expressions as Islamic mysticism, native American religion, Unitarianism, and a Baptist-led version of "Amazing Grace."

Celebration of Diversity:
A parody by David C. Brand

 

                  "Whatever am I going to do

                           to reach felicity?"

                   So spoke the toadstool to the plant
                          who shared his misery.

                   "How to convince the human race
                           that times have changed,
                            old ideas past,

                   so poison ivy they embrace,

                           and toadstools eat at last?" 

                   "I've got it!" said the plant.
                            "It's simple. Don't you see?
                    Just minimize our differences
                            and venerate diversity!

                   Diversity they recognize.
                    Our differences we'll minimize.

                   Accentuate a thing they prize.
                    Religiously let's organize.
                             `Let's celebrate diversity!"
     
                  "Surely we can weather
                          human bigotry
                 when we all join together
                         multi-horticulturally!"

                "So you're different from the mushroom--
                          I've not made the Ivy League--
                          but it's mere superficiality!
                 Just watch how quickly they'll consume--
                         those human beings we'll soon intrigue,
                         when we demand equality!"

                 So the toadstools got together
                          with the mushrooms at the mall.
                 Poison ivy intertwined
                         with the ivy on the wall.
                 And the humans bought the line;
                         they the toadstools
                         like mushrooms ate,
                 touched the ivy on the vine--
                         to be poisoned was their fate.

                Oh such fun we all are having
                         honoring diversity
                 while ourselves we are enslaving
                         ransacking History!

                "Surely we can weather
                         human bigotry
                 when we all get together
                         multi-horticulturally!"